What is Anger Teaching YOU?

Do you ever have those days where you are literally spinning out a whirlwind of sh*$-f#@*- sh*$-f#@*- sh*$-f#@*-I want to kill everbody-sh*$?  If you said no, you are a liar!  Okay, that could be slightly overstated… I don’t generally say all that (I just think it)… but you know what I mean.  We’ve all been there; we radiate this foul mood and should probably be wearing a very large warning sign that reads something like “Keep Your Distance for Your Own Safety”.  We rarely have good reason for our upset.  In fact, most of the time we don’t know why or some little things build up or we’re hungry or sick or we have some other ridiculous reason for our squalor.

I am making a considerable effort to be optimistic (quite successfully) as of late, but today… No can do sir.  I am in a terrible mood. I want to punch him in the face(he shall remain unnamed), yell, scream, cry and maayyybbeee do some more punching.  But I won’t do any of those things because they are irrational, unfair and cruel.  I wish I could love him how he wants me to, but I can’t.  I want things he cannot provide and he wants things from me that I cannot, yet he cannot see that (or refuses to… only he will ever know that).  I could continue on blaming him for my anger, but that’s not productive or accurate for that matter.  I need to figure out how to get him out of my life if I want to and if not I need to figure out why he makes me so mad and how to change that.  Something to ponder I suppose.

I do truly believe that our anger is trying to tell us something.  I think I see qualities in him that I myself possess (currently – as I come out of my long phase of depression – yet didn’t always have) which I have trouble accepting and would like to change or already have (fairly recently – between the time we met and now).  I’m also very sick and low energy, which doesn’t exactly make me less irritable (not that it’s a good excuse).  I like to be going full-throttle almost all the time; sitting around, resting or being completely exhausted from a busy morning is not exactly my cup of tea.  Yet these things happen and my loss of control MAKES ME ANGRY (control freak much?!).

Well, I’ll say this much… Acknowledging the contributing factors that have put me in this mood has helped.  Writing a huge long rant about my anger (not for your eyes, much too vulgar) has also helped.  Pondering some of these factors, particularly any of my own character traits, may benefit me in the future (as to produce fewer angry episodes).  Thinking about all this also helped me put the situation into improved perspective; I know what I do and don’t control and can recognize I can’t let the stuff I don’t control get to me.  I have some thinking and resting to do now (hateeee being sick! What? No I swear I’m staying positive *shifty eyes* ).

And I thought I wouldn’t find anything to write about today due to my temper.  Pffffftttt…. Who knew?  Anger can be so beneficial to us.  Anger is good (sometimes)?! Strange concept but true in my experience.  Today it played as my writing inspiration and a tool to encourage self-reflection.

Embrace it, ponder it, and I think you will find it will slowly melt away from you.

Hope everyone is having a lovely day.  My heart goes out to you (happy, angry or however you feel today)!  Keep your chin up.

xx Kate

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Make Goals. Measure Them.

goals quote

Inspired by DougDoesLife’s “Find Your Path Series” I have decided to make a list of goals.  I was actually planning to sleep, but apparently doing these exercises wired my body in to some sort of overwhelming excitement, because (despite my exhaustion) I feel like my eyes are pinned open and something similar to adrenaline is pumping through me at a fairly rapid pace.  The reason for the little goals are to eventually get to some of my bigger goals, so here goes…

  • write a blog post daily
  • read for enjoyment daily (whether it be a blog entry of someone else’s, a newspaper, a magazine, a chapter of a novel, etc)
  • do something outside of class for school daily (whether it be checking online, prioritizing, and making to do lists and schedules, writing in the forums, reading a chapter, meeting a professor, tutor or friend for help, etc)
  • do yoga daily (whether it be a round of sun-salutation or an hour long practice)
  • workout/do something active for a minimum of half an hour daily (whether it be a huge long workout at the gym, a short run outside, swimming, hiking, etc)
  • meditate for a minimum of 5 minutes daily 
  • watch something daily (whether it be a 2 second Vine clip, a trashy TV show, a good film, an informative Ted Talk or a documentary)

I guess it would be beneficial for me to know how much time this will take up each day.  It appears as though I will be able to accomplish the workout, yoga, and meditation under an hour each day.  The writing, reading, watching something, and doing something school related could probably be as short as an hour (a short blog post, a short article, a quick Vine or two, and making a list for school) and could range to a lot more than that (hours upon hours).  That will give me some flexibility and allow me to see what works best and when.  I will measure it by recording what I did for each goal in my journal at the end of each day, which will probably add an additional half hour.  So I’m looking at 2.5 hours minimum per day.  Sounds like a lot but I think it’s do able since a lot of the things I already do.  

Some bigger goals/one-time-to-dos:

  • buy a camera (by May 1)
  • see the exchange office (within the next 10 days)
  • see the career office (within the next 10 days)
  • improve my resume (within timeline set out by career office, latest Mar 16)
  • cancel the stupid Visalus cock-up – yes, bitterness at its finest – (by tomorrow at 5 pm)
  • look through summer courses (by Sunday evening)
  • decide on summer courses (within next 12 days)
  • register for summer courses (by March 10)
  • find a Stats tutor/find out about refreshers (within next 10 days)
  • do a budget (by Sunday evening)

I thought I would share my thought process and goals with you here so you can read my journey as I go.  I hope that my sharing my goals, struggles, ideas and coping mechanisms, I can inspire you to be proactive in your own life.  Make some goals, keep track of them, measure them and alter them if needed.  Well… I certainly have a lot to do.  Now that I’m starting to see some sort of direction.. better get to it!

All the best in your endeavours!

xx Kate

 

 

 

Curb the Self Doubt

Dear Lord, when feelings of inferiority, insecurity, and self-doubt creep into my heart, help me to see myself the way you do.

I’m not particularly religious, but I thought this was still an appropriate quote. (Click the picture to see the site it came from)

I was inspired by “Incurably Curious'” blog today … see http://incurablycurious.com/2014/02/17/youre-not-as-bad-as-you-think-you-are/

I feel this self-doubt oozing from every part of my body, slowly poisoning my confidence and self-worth.  I have a messed up relationship that I can’t make up my mind about, school isn’t going well (again), I don’t get particular enjoyment or earnings from either of my jobs, all my groups of friends have seemed to drift away leaving me with one or two here and there but no group where I really feel at home, a series of poor decisions, no car, poor financial management… I could go on a long time.  It seems this is quite normal and the writer asked that people respond with what they do to curb the self doubt.  Naturally, I was quite interested to see how people responded to this.

It turns out, almost everyone seemed to just focus on the positive until things got better.  Focus on what is going well; what is going RIGHT in their lives. So here goes:

  • I have my own place
  • I have a good roommate
  • I have my own adorable cat, Prince
  • I have a great family that I am fairly close to
  • I am in school and will graduate with an HBA
  • I am relatively attractive
  • I am relatively healthy
  • I am working and paying my own way
  • I have good people in my life
  • I have started writing

It’s peculiar… while writing that list I felt the need to add something negative to every single positive statement I made.  For example, I wanted to write “I will probably fail something and not finish for a couple years because I am not focused, want to travel and need to work during school” to the line crediting myself for being in school.  And that’s just it.  I need to keep it simple, ignore those negatives (or acknowledge them and let them pass as an invalid thought/feeling) and focus on the positives.  Things will work out, if I keep telling myself that they will and focus on the positives.  Yet, that is so much easier said than done.  One of these days I’m gonna hit a ball (of negativity) right outta the park and hit a home run (happiness).

Positive. Positive. Positive. Positive. Positiveeeee.

Have a good day everyone!

Namaste… xx Kate

Writing Daily

 

 

Charles de Lint Quote

Couldn’t have said it better myself. Click the picture to visit Oprah’s website and view a few other fantastic writing quotes!

Good morning all.  Just a brief note for today as I wait for my tea to brew so I can go back to bed (I’m quite ill and since this is reading week, I thought I’d try to sleep it off).  I have decided that I am going to post daily.  I’ve decided this for a few reasons: 1) I find that writing keeps me on track and focused; 2) It keeps me in tune with the issues pressing my mind and my heart; 3) My life seems very overwhelming right now so writing helps me simplify it or at least sort through the complexities somewhat; 4) I find my writing keeps me out of trouble (I stopped for a week… and lets face it, there were some very VERY poor choices made); 5) I can’t deny I’d love to improve my writing (practice makes perfect) and gain more followers and likes on here (who knows, maybe some day I’ll have something ridiculously informative or entertaining to share with you all). 

So that settles it.  The daily posts begin.  Subjects will include (but will not be limited to): struggles of growing into womanhood (growing pains), steps toward self improvement(related to my goals, aspirations, dreams and thoughts), perhaps my little Prince might come up (yes I have an adorable cat named Prince), boy troubles and dating, and travel.  Now just as soon as I can figure out how to alter my blog so that I can have a bunch of different categories…. We’ll be up and rolling. Could take a few days.

May you all be happy and healthy today (go away sickness!)

Namaste… xx Kate

Patience Is A Virtue… Or Is It?

Click this picture to see it again with a great article written by Brendan Marshall at Elite Daily.

I must admit, I am not a very patient person.  In most situations, my impatient qualities prove to be to my detriment.  If only I was more patient with myself, I would probably be done school, I may have been a dancer, violin player, drummer, or various other things. I may have had a better resumé or maybe some amazingly joyful job.  Maybe I would have the man of my dreams and an extremely adventurous life.  I’m not going to get caught up with the what ifs… c’est la vie, right?

My mom would always tell me “patience is a virtue” as she struggled to learn patience herself (never very successfully I’m afraid… however she’s certainly come much closer to mastering the art than myself).  For the most part, I totally agree.  I have just watched my best friend “put her time in” at a horribly boring job for three years.  Many of the times I would speak with her she would be frustrated, bored of retail, wanting a better paying job, more authority, more control, etc.  She had gone to school in this field after all.  Yet she always kept a different vision in mind and it’s finally paid off.  I am so proud of her (and maybe a little envious… in the most proud way possible).  Her three years of suffering finally paid off.  The owner bought her ski pass for this year, gave her the responsibility of managing everything and handling the “buys”; she’s traveling around Canada… the world is her Oyster.  She’s an inspiration and a fantastic reminder that patience is a virtue.

Or is it?  I’m writing this as I sit waiting to start working.  Yes that’s right. I was scheduled for 5:30pm, required to be dressed and ready to go for 5:15pm and I am still waiting to start working (it’s currently 6:25pm).  If you haven’t already guessed, I’m a waitress.  I love the people I work with and I like the place I work at.  The food is good, the drinks are cold and it’s cheap.  I’m very frugal, so as a customer this is wonderful news… as an employee it’s another story.  Waiting to start work for a full hour is a royal waste of my time, especially when I only end up walking out with $50 some nights (apparently our customers also like that we’re cheap and like to keep it that way).  And so, I continually ask myself… is patience a virtue (in all cases)?  Is all this patience taking away from my self worth?  Because it sort of feels like it.  Wasting time when I have better things to do and working at a place where I make considerably less money than I’d make at most other restaurants is frustrating, and it makes me wonder if I should reevaluate how patient I really want to be about this.

Then I realize that I am comfortable here.  The girls I work with here have become a bit of a family to me, which is important to me since I don’t have a strong sense of community anywhere else (excluding my real family, of course).  Plus, it gives me enough money to live on while I’m in school since my other job doesn’t quite cut it.  There are some definite benefits to working here, and quite frankly, I can appreciate how lucky I am to have a second job.

I guess what I’m saying is, maybe I’m not degrading my self worth, or wasting my time… maybe there will be some unforeseen pay off in the future for being patient.  Or maybe being patient has a purpose to teach me a lesson or two along the way; to appreciate what I have or to be steady or to be responsible.  I may never know for sure, but for now, I opt to be patient and see the adventure in it.  I will think of it as an opportunity to make use of my time… for blog posts perhaps?

Until next time… Be Patient. 😉

Namaste. xx Kate