Do you ever have those days where you are literally spinning out a whirlwind of sh*$-f#@*- sh*$-f#@*- sh*$-f#@*-I want to kill everbody-sh*$? If you said no, you are a liar! Okay, that could be slightly overstated… I don’t generally say all that (I just think it)… but you know what I mean. We’ve all been there; we radiate this foul mood and should probably be wearing a very large warning sign that reads something like “Keep Your Distance for Your Own Safety”. We rarely have good reason for our upset. In fact, most of the time we don’t know why or some little things build up or we’re hungry or sick or we have some other ridiculous reason for our squalor.
I am making a considerable effort to be optimistic (quite successfully) as of late, but today… No can do sir. I am in a terrible mood. I want to punch him in the face(he shall remain unnamed), yell, scream, cry and maayyybbeee do some more punching. But I won’t do any of those things because they are irrational, unfair and cruel. I wish I could love him how he wants me to, but I can’t. I want things he cannot provide and he wants things from me that I cannot, yet he cannot see that (or refuses to… only he will ever know that). I could continue on blaming him for my anger, but that’s not productive or accurate for that matter. I need to figure out how to get him out of my life if I want to and if not I need to figure out why he makes me so mad and how to change that. Something to ponder I suppose.
I do truly believe that our anger is trying to tell us something. I think I see qualities in him that I myself possess (currently – as I come out of my long phase of depression – yet didn’t always have) which I have trouble accepting and would like to change or already have (fairly recently – between the time we met and now). I’m also very sick and low energy, which doesn’t exactly make me less irritable (not that it’s a good excuse). I like to be going full-throttle almost all the time; sitting around, resting or being completely exhausted from a busy morning is not exactly my cup of tea. Yet these things happen and my loss of control MAKES ME ANGRY (control freak much?!).
Well, I’ll say this much… Acknowledging the contributing factors that have put me in this mood has helped. Writing a huge long rant about my anger (not for your eyes, much too vulgar) has also helped. Pondering some of these factors, particularly any of my own character traits, may benefit me in the future (as to produce fewer angry episodes). Thinking about all this also helped me put the situation into improved perspective; I know what I do and don’t control and can recognize I can’t let the stuff I don’t control get to me. I have some thinking and resting to do now (hateeee being sick! What? No I swear I’m staying positive *shifty eyes* ).
And I thought I wouldn’t find anything to write about today due to my temper. Pffffftttt…. Who knew? Anger can be so beneficial to us. Anger is good (sometimes)?! Strange concept but true in my experience. Today it played as my writing inspiration and a tool to encourage self-reflection.
Embrace it, ponder it, and I think you will find it will slowly melt away from you.
Hope everyone is having a lovely day. My heart goes out to you (happy, angry or however you feel today)! Keep your chin up.